Welcome And The Mentor Mindset

Hey ladies, welcome to the Mom to Mentor podcast. If this is your first time joining, welcome! And if you are a repeat listener, thank you for your loyalty. Hey, it's a new day, a new week, a fresh month, and I'm ready to bring some more good parenting tips to you. And if you've been listening to prior episodes, I'm hoping you're finding value in them. And able to pay it forward as far as introducing that into your parenting. Because we are more than nurturers. We are more than providers. We are mentors. That means we are your child's first educator, the first teacher. It starts with us, mom, and maybe some dads, right? But we are the first teacher your child is going to experience. And a lot of us, including myself, were inexperienced and weren't ready to be teachers. Process that. Yeah, we're able to conceive a child, but when it comes to raising that child, many of us don't understand what it means to be a good parent. How do we become a good parent? And I've always said a good parent teaches. And a bad parent doesn't. Yeah, so no matter how much you're providing for that child and nurturing that child, if you're not teaching that child mom, that yeah, we go, and notice I said we, we go into that category of bad parenting. Yeah, and most times because we don't know any better. And that's why we have the mom to mentor podcast. Yeah, that's right. Alright, so what am I talking about today? I'm talking about parenting skills. Yeah. So what happened when you found out you were pregnant? If there was a comma to come back and say you're also going to be a parent. Because the two are different things. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, it was like, oh, okay then. Me and his father, we had the discussion, and all is well. But then when I think about and go back and look at that time frame, the opportunity of you're not only pregnant, but you're getting ready to be a parent. And are you ready to be a parent? And I wonder how we would respond when we are faced against that question. Yeah. And so do you remember what you felt like when you found out you were pregnant? Yeah, I was in shock. I'm like, what? I am? Oh, okay. Oops. So I couldn't mentally process it. All I knew is I'm carrying a child. That was the end of it. And there should have been a comma right after that. And many of you probably were in the same situation or in that situation. I want to talk about today core parenting skills that are needed to raise a child. Yeah. And again, when you hear the word parent, what do you think of? Because it's not the same as you being pregnant. Yeah, that just means you have a child growing inside of you. But being a parent means you're going to have to step up your game because now you're getting ready to default and being a teacher. Yeah, by default. You don't get to negotiate the default of becoming a teacher and educator to your child. So every parent wants to raise confident, kind, grounded children. Core parenting skills help us do that with intention, active listening, healthy boundaries, emotional modeling, and steady routines give our children the security they need to grow. These everyday habits aren't complicated. They're powerful tools that help us lead with love. So again, I'm going to talk about what are some of those core parenting skills that maybe you have not considered and should. I never did. I was all about, okay, I have a child now and now children. And I'm just going to provide for them, make sure they have what they need, and that's it. I that literally, that's what I thought parenting was. I really did. And then if they do wrong, then I correct them and make sure they do right the next time. That's what I thought parenting was. But here's some critical skills to consider patience. You're going to have the patience, and that from the biblical standpoint of Joe when raising kids, you're going to have to have a lot of tolerance, endurance, composure, and sometimes you're going to have to really work on being calm. Yeah. Ooh, we because there have been days where I'm like, okay, I'm going to bust a good, but you have to manage being calm. You have to be consistent, which says you have to have some stability, you have to be dependable, you have to have some uniformity when it comes to parenting. You can't make this up yesterday and then do something else tomorrow and do something else today. You have to be consistent in your approach, such as discipline. Yeah. Your kids are going to have to be disciplined. So you say, this is the type of discipline you're going to receive based on the offense, right? So you can't say, okay, you didn't wipe the counters down after we ate. Okay, so you didn't do that. So therefore, go stand in the corner. I'm making things up, obviously. And then the next day, they don't wipe the counter down. Then you're gonna, back in my day, we are whoopings. So that's how it was, the behavior was corrected. But we have to be consistent when it comes to discipline. That's where I'm going with this. And not just that, but other areas as well, but specifically with discipline, because you are correcting a behavior. Yeah. So we have to be empathetic. We have to show compassion, understanding, kindness, and emotional awareness. As they get older, they're gonna start experiencing more of the world where you cannot protect them. And let me rephrase: we cannot protect them. And so you have to be compassionate because once you display that compassion, guess what? They are going to absorb that because remember, they learn by what they see. Yeah. And so after they learn that, then at this point, they're going to be able to pay it forward to whenever they have a child. Or they can pay it forward to someone else they're interacting with, because now they've seen you do it, mom or dad. We have to have that empathetic attitude when things are happening and have a better understanding with our approach. Everything isn't always about yelling. And that was one of my problems. As my kids were growing up and they didn't do something right, yeah, because I didn't know any better. I thought yelling was the only way to communicate. And I know I'm not in this by myself, so don't look at me side-eyed. But we think that yelling is gonna resolve it. And sometimes we just need to talk to them and explain to them what they did and why it was wrong and what the consequences are. With yelling, all you're doing is making a bunch of noise. And is it really penetrating with them? So, what do they know you as when it comes to empathy? Do they know you as a yeller or do they know you as the person that understands and says, okay, that makes sense. Let me hear your side of it. All right, now that I got your side of it, this is the consequences as a result of that. Yeah, it's just that easy. Firmness. Again, going back to discipline, structure, authoritative guidance. So you have to be firm in your decisions. If you say no, there's no wiggle room. And you explain to them why there's no wiggle room. I have shared with you, this is what I want you to do. And I want it done by this time. Don't tell me after I watch this TV show. No, this is not a conversation. And sometimes, parents, we think we can have conversations with our children in certain instances. Yeah. But when you have shared with them that you want them to do something and you're specific about what needs to be done, there's no negotiation skills. Period. This is what I told you to do, and I told you to do it now. And since you didn't do it, there are consequences as a result. All right, active listening, nurturing conversations, open communication, responsiveness, making conscious decisions to guide their development. Again, this is an area I did not do well in with parenting, was active listening. It was pretty much listen, this is how this household is going to be ran. Here are my expectations. And that's it. Yeah, it wasn't a lot of them coming to me or feeling comfortable with coming to me and talking with me about different things that were going on. And had I created that positive space for them to come and talk with me, then I wouldn't have to go back and be the detective and find out why the attitude changed, what's going on now, because they would have been able to come to me and say, hey, mom, this is what's going on. Yeah. So there are some things I regret that I did not create an environment where they could come and talk to me. Because when they're not able to come to talk to me or talk to you, then they go to someone else who may give them bad advice. Yeah. And then when they give them that bad advice, then we got to go back and correct it. That's why along my journey with my kids, I was doing a lot of correcting because they were going elsewhere to share their issues that they were facing and weren't coming to me. And the advice that they received wasn't good. Yeah, got them in trouble. I would encourage you, make sure you have a positive environment where your children can come and talk with you without feeling that judgment. Yeah, it's important because otherwise, if you don't open that door, they're gonna go somewhere else. Yeah. All right, affection and support, offering unconditional love, praise, and encouragement to build self-esteem. Yeah, that's an ongoing one. And especially now, we have to really step to the plate and make sure our kids remain motivated. They are exposed to so much more now than they ever were when I was raising my kids. And why is that? Social media. And I know they have this thing out of we're gonna monitor how long you're on and all of that, and you can't visit this and blah, blah, blah. That's a lot of work. If we would just take the time, sit down with them and tell them what social media is, number one. And then number two, you can't believe everything you hear on social media, especially with the advancement of AI now. You don't know if it's real or AI, but you have to have that conversation with your child or your children. So just move everything away aside as it relates to their phones and all of that, and have a conversation. Yes, if they're eight, nine, or ten and they have their own mobile device, you should be having a discussion with them. And then if they do happen to go on a website that is, I don't know, TikTok and watching videos and all this other stuff. Have a conversation. Why did you go there? And then what did you learn while you were there? Yeah, make them talk to you about why they went to that particular page or why they were watching that video. Yeah. What did you learn? Because I'd like to know. I might be able to learn something from it too. But I do know just looking at it, it was inappropriate. Yeah. And so we need to talk. Let's talk through it. And that's how you get into opening that door. But again, when they do come back and they share some things with you that you don't want to hear, don't be judgmental. Thank them for being honest. Yeah, that's where you start. Hey, I appreciate you coming clean and telling me this information. And that's fair. Now, here's my position on it. Now that you've done that, this is why I feel this is wrong. Or this is why I feel we need to look at this differently, or go into another level of discussion about this topic. For instance, sex. You were interested and knowing more about sex, and you heard people say things and so forth. Okay, and that's fair. And you're at that age, if you want to have that discussion, then let's have that discussion. I don't want you to find out from someone else who may be manipulating you. Let's have that conversation, what it is, what it's meant to be, and understanding sex and making love are two different things. And I'm not gonna go down that pathway, but you know that sex and making love are two different things. And that's the conversation you need to have with your child. Too many kids are out here today having sex and producing babies. And that's why he doesn't want to be involved because it was a hit it and quit it. I'm just being very candid here. But if you sit down and talk to them about the difference, I think they will make better decisions when it comes to allowing someone to have access to their bodies. Let me move on. Adaptability and flexibility, you have to adjust your parenting strategies as the child grows. And their needs change. You're gonna have to correct behavior differently because now they're displaying a different type of behavior that you have to go in and say, that worked when you were four, but now you're 10, and it doesn't work like that now. So you have to make adjustments, and that's so important. And especially when it gets in the tweens, oh my goodness, that's when the biggest adjustment comes because now they're maturing. And back when I was growing up, the elders used to say you're smelling yourself. You have to adjust your parenting strategies as your child ages. A few episodes ago, I talked about you having a three and five year plan or goals, and where you see yourself in three years, and where do you see yourself in five years? And your children are also gonna be three and five years older. It's a good idea to say where are they gonna be at? Are they gonna be in high school? Are they gonna be ready to drive? Where are they gonna be at? And then as their body starts to change as they go through that whole puberty thing, and especially girls, Lord have mercy, you gotta understand your strategies are gonna have to change as it relates to discipline and how you communicate with them. Finally, boundary setting, defining firm age-appropriate limits to create a safe structured environment. And so, boundaries is just what you can do and what you cannot do. That's just that's it in a nutshell, and be firm about it. As my kids got older and they want to hang out with their friends, go out in the evening. Okay, that's fine. But this is what time you have to be home. And we're not negotiating. Okay, this is it. Not a minute after. I need you back in the house at this time. But those are the boundaries you have to set as your children get older because now they're starting to take all of this outside noise and they're blending it into, so they got to be right. And that's when disrespect starts to creep in. And are you ready for that? Because it's coming. I promise you, it's coming, and you got to get in position to address disrespect. Yeah. All right. At the end of the day, ladies, and maybe some gentlemen, those are your core parenting skills that you need to utilize and integrate into your parenting from patience, consistency, empathy, firmness, active listening, affection and support, adaptability and flexibility, and boundary setting. Now you think once you got that notice that, hey, you're pregnant, and then right after that, are you ready to be a parent? And you go down that list, how many folks will say, Yeah, I'm ready? I know I couldn't raise my hands. Yeah. And even after I had my son and had my daughter, and if someone says you're ready, I still couldn't say it, even after I had my son. He's here. My kids are three years apart. And I still can't say that I could do all of those core parenting skills, or I was ready for that. Because in my mind, I'm still calling my mom mommy, and now I got somebody calling me mommy. How does that work? Because I wasn't ready. Being pregnant and conceiving a child and being ready to be a parent is two different things. So I implore you, mom or dad, to consider these core parenting skills. And if you are not utilizing all of them, I would encourage you to do, yeah, because you want at the end. Today, a child who is able to grow out and represent you well. Yeah, as a parent. If you notice some of the stars out there and when they receive awards and things like that, what's the first thing they say? Thank you, mom. And some of them even lead off with, thank you, God. And then mom and dad. But parenting is not easy. But if you prepare for it, it'll help you get through it. And you're not going to get it right all the time. Ask me how I know. You're still not going to make the best decisions. Yeah. Ask me how I know. But just knowing that you're trying and you're learning. And again, they have parenting classes, but in my mind, those are just how do you change your diaper and they get up at this time and what happens if they're teething and all of that stuff. Those are just basic things as it relates to caring for the child. Parenting is much more than that. And even now, my kids are in their 30s. And I'm being told I'm grown now. You saying you're grown is different than from you saying you were mature. I was grown when I had my kids, but I wasn't mature. Yeah. And being mature means you're ready. You're ready to own the situation. You're ready to do what it takes to be a good parent. And I was not there because I didn't understand what it meant to be a good parent. Now you say, Well, are your children abused? No, I didn't educate them. And the one thing that I did proactively educate on, which was very few, they remember that to this day. Now I am regretting that I missed a lot of opportunities to teach them different things. So, moms, dads, here's my call to action to you. Take the time to teach your children. That's it. It's going to pay off. I promise you it will. We can't put this on schools and churches and other institutions to teach our children. What we do is we partner with them, right? And as they're teaching things, then you reinforce it at home. And then you visit and talk to the teachers and say, this is how my household is ran. Yeah, and then some things are going to make sense about their behaviors. But at the end of the day, you can do this. How do I know? Yeah. I have to. It was a struggle at times, but I got through it. So I know you will too. All right, you have a wonderful day. A great week. Take care.